Ring? What Ring?
by In Utero
Summary: A parody of all fan fictions that ignore the Ring. The Fellowship are out walking when the parody strikes. Gandalf, Gimli and Boromir are the only ones unattractive enough to be spared. What will they do to save the day?! WARNING: SLASH/COARSE LANGUAGE
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people and NO disrespect is meant by anything written here. I'm not affiliated with Tolkien or any of his works and I'm not making money from this. I've also got nothing to do with any of the television shows mentioned in this story. Please don't sue. I have nothing but an inferiority complex. 

Author's Note: This is a parody. Of what, I do not know. Many things. You can work it out. It's late and I haven't decided yet. It will be some sort of affair with chapters, if anyone can be bothered reading. Otherwise, I'll go and find some other tactic to acquire attention.

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As Sarah Jessica Angelina MacPherson found herself plucked from strutting fashionably down the school corridor and hurtled toward Middle Earth, Fate and Destiny could sense that they had done well and that the greatest love story ever told was about to unfurl like a proud national flag. 

Unfortunately for Sarah, Fate was slightly cockeyed and she missed the shores of Middle Earth by several hundred fathoms. And as a large, nameless sea creature digested the last of her pretty face, a ring-less plot would form that would turn brave warriors into nervous fifteen year old boys, a courageous quest into a satin-sheets-and-scented-oils seduction scene, and one gallant Elf into a giggling virgin.

It's probably not worth calling this a Lord of the Rings story. There will be no mention of the ring. Lord only knows what the ring was doing while this story was written. It might have been playing the lead role in a 'serious' and 'hard-hitting' off-Broadway production about a gay teen coming to terms with life in modern society. I might have been shoved sideways into the love-muffin of a fellowship member. In fact, if it had been mentioned, it almost certainly would have been. 

But this story has nothing to do with a ring. 

Which is why the mysterious fellowship stopped short on the bank of some nameless quarry and looked at each other. Legolas scratched his pretty head. 

" Hang on… what's all this about?" he said.

"I really don't know," said Aragorn, " But I think that we should go and build a fire over there and arrange logs and various living flora decoratively and have a sexual identity crisis." 

And so they did. For reasons that we will not go into here because, quite frankly, the author really doesn't 

know.

And as the amber glow flickered romantically over their attractive faces, the fellowship collectively flipped the bird at Tolkien, rejected all personality traits quintessential to bold and esteemed travelers, and started to have strange and unfamiliar urges. 

Legolas, in particular, found himself filled with the overwhelming urge to hump his colleagues, as (being an almost celibate Elf ) this was the most out-of-character he could possibly get.

Merry and Pippin fell upon each other, as did Frodo and Sam, making out like a group of sex-starved adolescents at a screening of the latest teen-hit-romantic-comedy. Aragorn looked suggestively at Legolas, who blushed accordingly and found himself filled to the brim with girlish glee. Boromir coughed politely and looked blankly at the dirt because he was wasn't attractive enough for any of the others, but was still too good looking for Gandalf or Gimli.

Gimli looked hopefully at Gandalf, who shook his head sternly and nodded towards his staff. 

"A wizard's staff is his best friend, Gimli."

Gimli shrugged and followed Boromir's gaze to a particularly interesting pebble.

"Don't be glum Gimli, Boromir" said Gandalf reassuringly, " You know what we have to do now. We have to play matchmaker to Legolas and Aragorn, and employ tactics that wouldn't have worked on I Love Lucy. Of course, they will work here. All the while we must watch over the hobbits, because I feel that Sam will soon fall pregnant."

Boromir sighed. He felt like he was really getting the raw end of the stick, but he just couldn't see what he could do about it. The author had cut his IQ down to 80, and he was struggling to upkeep basic homeostatis. 

"So," continued Gandalf " I figure that we need one of those Young and the Restless set-ups. You know, rose petals, soft music, leopard print underwear." 

"Let's get right on it." Said Gimli, and stood up to forage for the aforementioned items. Gandalf and Boromir followed suit.

An hour later they all convened at the campsite again, empty-handed. Unfortunately for the author, Middle Earth had had somewhat of an uprising over the terrible misuse of the fellowship and Sauron (that boring, unattractive character) had stolen all romantic items.

"I think" said Gandalf "That Middle Earth has had somewhat of an uprising and Sauron has confiscated all romantic items to be gotten in the deepest natural habitat such as oysters and champagne and has taken them to his castle in …" Gandalf paused.

"In…" he continued, " a strange and far off land" That seemed good enough.

"Men, we must now band together to ensure that somehow Aragorn will deflower Legolas in some big emotional loss-of-virginity type thing, and that the hobbits may continue in their blatant mimicry of the author's peers, rather than act as actual hobbits."

They all nodded. And thus was forged the Fellowship of someone's wet dream.


	2. It's All Too Much

Disclaimer: You know I don't own any of this. I also do not own Steve Tyler, any of the songs featured below and I've certainly got nothing to do with Priscilla Queen of the Desert. No money is being made from this, and I'm not trying to offend anyone. It's just silliness. 

AN: Thank you very much to those who reviewed! I chose the name of the girl randomly from various celebrities such as Angelina Jolie and everything. Because someone commented. 

And I'd like to add that I think movie Legolas is gorgeous. But I do make fun of him, because this is a parody of everything. Nothing is sacred. Hold me, I'm frightened. Sorry, Legolas lovers, I feel your pain.

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It was decided that the gallant Fellowship of Someone's Wet Dream should begin their noble journey on the following morning, and so Gimli, Boromir and Gandalf settled uncomfortably amongst the wriggling pairings and the cacophony of moaning. 

Gandalf cast a particularly evil glare in what he guessed to be the general direction of Fate and Destiny as the hour ticked past four am, and the chances of getting any sleep slid through his hands like so many long, silken strands of golden Elf hair. 

With Merry and Pippin, and Frodo and Sam respectively holding hands, the company set forth at dawn through conveniently placed daisy fields and amber morning sunlight that caressed their young bodies. Sunlight was, apparently, a dirty old bastard. 

Legolas blushed every now and again as Aragorn would select a wild-flower for the Elf's hair. Legolas would swoon accordingly each time he and Aragorn came into contact, and his newly acquired fifteen-year-old girl mind would think back to the previous evening where he had shared his very first kiss with Aragorn.

In this piece we will not address the issue of why, in near enough to 2000 years of existence, Legolas had never managed to find someone else to kiss. Let's just accept the fact that because of his dream-like, innocent visage, he was obviously a delicate petal who'd never tasted the realities of love in his tender heart. Let's also accept the fact that Aragorn is always the 'instructor' in these matters. Since this is a slash piece, the author does not feel that defying the laws of the universe by taking liberties and making Aragorn the bitch would be wise. 

The Fellowship had decided to journey toward the woods of Lorien to seek the council of Galadriel, who obviously had nothing better to do, and had been anticipating their arrival like a gossiping fishwife. They stopped for lunch along the way, with Boromir managing to prize the hobbits apart long enough to feed them. He was sick of the turn of events, as was Gimli who had been forced to coerce Legolas into nibbling small pieces of bread in a demure fashion. Legolas had been loathe to consume anything, as he knew that a young lady should not be seen eating in front of her beau.

It had been a close call to starvation before Gandalf had waved his staff vehemently toward the five offending parties. "Oi! This staff knows where your 'center of love' is too."

After a very trying afternoon, they finally reached the outer boundaries of the wood and slipped inside. They were greeted by a variety of arrow-wielding Elves, particularly Haldir who looked covetously at Legolas. That's right, it was time for some gratuitous rape scenes. 

Realising what he was doing, and noting that control of his urges would soon be beyond him, Haldir looked beseechingly at Gandalf. "Gandalf," he managed to beg before his senses left him, " Please don't let this happen. I… I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to rape Legolas. Come on! I'm not jealous. Aragorn can have him. Plenty of others with blonde hair here." He indicated hopefully at the other Elves surrounding him, all looking similar to Legolas and himself.

"Please?" he said in a small voice. 

Gandalf sighed gravely and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Haldir, but this is how it must be. Don't try to resist it. It's just easier that way."

Haldir sighed and made a mental note to chain his leg to his bed when he got home just in case the situation could be avoided. 

They entered the city within the woods and were greeted by loud disco music. Suddenly, a long legged man with strange eyebrows and a variety of sequins and feathers adorning him leapt out at them.

"I love the night life," he sang with feeling, "I love to boogie…" His lipstick glittered.

It was the standard 'actor has been in other movie' joke. But this time it had gone horribly wrong.

Boromir squinted at the tortured figure. "Lord Elrond?" 

"You can love them all and when you're through, maybe that'll make (grunt) a man out of you…" Elrond continued, winking gregariously at Boromir. 

"Good God man, snap out of it," stammered Gandalf, reaching forward to slap sharply at the heavily made up cheek before him. 

Elrond looked confused. "Gandalf ?" he asked, dropping his microphone. He looked down at his glittering bodice. "Oh shit… I've really messed up this time." 

He looked up with trepidation at the nine pairs of eyes that were squinting at him.

"Er… all right. I'll just get changed. Go upstairs, Thranduil and Galadriel and everyone else is gathered up there because we heard something about Legolas loosing his virginity." 

He smiled apologetically and left.

They were approaching the stairs when all of a sudden a haggard creature that may have once resembled a woman came loping towards them.

"Aragorn," it cried, " You came without giving me time to fix my make-up."

Aragorn stopped leering suggestively at Legolas's thinly disguised buttocks and looked with surprise toward the creature.

"A..Arwen?" he asked, wrinkling his manly, chiseled nose. 

"Don't come any closer!" the woman warned, "I've only just gotten out of bed."

Gimli, whose eyes had been trained in the dark as a result of a life spent in caves and dimness, could make out various features of the woman before them. He shuddered involuntarily. He knew that authors often didn't like Arwen, but this time they'd gone too far. Frankly, he was surprised her parents hadn't killed her with a shovel at birth.

Arwen flicked her hair. "I'll just go and get ready, my love. Galadriel said there was going to be a wedding soon. I have the feeling it will be ours!" she said excitedly. 

Legolas, heartbroken at this as only an adolescent girl can be, looked angrily at Aragorn. Now it was time to fly off the handle and make unreasonable accusations. In his limited mind, he was already coming up with completely insupportable arguments. 

Randomly, a man dressed as a skeleton hopped past on one leg, strumming outlandishly at a particularly 1980s-looking guitar. He skipped around Legolas loudly singing "Dude looks like a lady…"

"Fuck off, Dad." Said Arwen peevishly. 

She turned her attention back to Aragorn, "Anyway, I might as well warn you now. If you break off our engagement to take part in any homosexual relationships, I'm going to go and join forces with Sauron to ensure that you may never get laid. You'll never see another bottle of essential oil for as long as you live."

And with that, the plot became just slightly thicker than the air at the peak of Mount Everest.

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End file.
